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Your Ordinary Average Everyday Sane Psycho
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| 'Low-lit Dinner' |
[May. 14th, 2012|04:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  moody | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Chicane - Don't Give Up | ] |
Rosy smile
looking out
restaurant window.
She smiles too,
casual innuendo.
Oh, wait;
reflection off of glass?
With quick shift,
iced eyes
do a dance.
Romance?
Not a chance.
------
Copyright 2012, S.E. Douglas
------
-Shawn |
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| Summer in spring with bikes at a zoo with philosophy and phobias and then beer and random socialness |
[Mar. 13th, 2012|09:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | St. Louis | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pleased | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Destroyer - Kaputt | ] |
Yeah, I fit all that in today. I officially took the day off last week after hearing that it was going to warm up this week to unusual levels. I worked through the weekend to make up for it, and I'll definitely have to bust my ass the rest of the week to do some catch-up.
I was debating on taking my bike today after a vigorous workout yesterday, but in the end it was the right call. I took the bus and Metrolink to the Forest Park area and rode around the park for a while. After getting past the initial soreness, riding wasn't so bad. (Thankfully there weren't any monstorous hills.) The addition of the clipless pedals was also a boon as I could definitely tell I was more efficient with the energy I put into pedaling.
After the ride I made my way to the zoo. I locked up the bike and headed in. It was the first time in as long as I can rememberto have been to a zoo. I'm still not sure why I decided to go (St. Louis Zoo, by the way), but in the end it was... thought-provoking. Not only did my newly hairless scalp acquire some much needed sunlight, but I also had a chance to wax philosophical thought and strike lashes at my still-petrifying phobia of snakes.
"What does philosophy and a zoo have in common?" you may ask. To be honest, it perhaps wasn't core philosophy (why are we here? what meaning does my existence have?) but rather peripheral philosophy. The pondering happened quickly as I noticed the plethora of food and drink stands, souvenier shops, etc. as I first entered.
It actually took me back to a conversation I had this past weekend with Geoff Mitchell about Google and its data collection methods. (The corollary will become obvious soon enough.) Geoff and I had talked about the intrusive nature of Google's data collection scheme when using Google's free products. I had actually written a fluff piece about the matter recently ( http://learnthenet.org/2012/03/08/internet-privacy-its-a-complicated-issue/ ) for a client, and I had a strong opinion about the matter. It comes down to a realization that there are two lines of thought about it: Google is going overboard with its collection of personal data, and in the other camp, since Google's services are free, we shouldn't make such a fuss about their data collection. I personally think Google should make its data collection methods more transparent and feature an opt-out clause; Geoff rightfully argues that even an opt-out is questionable. At the core though is we shouldn't be all bitchy about certain aspects of Google's collection scheme because... that shit is free, and the company has to make money somehow to offer. (Hint: advertising. Targeted advertising.)
What does this have to do with the zoo? The St. Louis Zoo is also a free activity. But rather than advertising and data collection, the zoo depends on donations and (I assume, to a lesser extent) its profits from selling souveniers and severely overpriced food and beverages. So while I was taken aback by my first impression upon entering the zoo — and it was a very strong, foul feeling seeing all of the expensive accoutrements — I couldn't help but be reminded that the zoo has to get money from somewhere, whether its donations or $3.50 sodas. That initial feeling of disgust probably contributed to the next wave of depressive feelings I had seeing some of the animals in captivity.
Let me pause for a moment and state for the record that I'm far from an animal rights activist. While I love animals and feel a certain kinship with them (I've long had a reputation of animals more or less being either passive or accepting of my presence), I've certainly not made much of an effort to be jump to their aid in the form of supporting non-profits or activist movements. That said, I wave of dissatisfaction hit me after seeing the first few animal pens.To keep this note focused and more succinct, I'll skip past all of the fine details. In a nutshell, seeing giraffes, leopards, antelope, and other creatures that tend to be partial to an expansive habitat (it's not unusual for some of the animals in the zoo to range 40 to 50 kilometers in a day in the wild) or tend to stalk and hunt prey... I felt saddened that they didn't have the opportunity to do those things that are instinctual to their species. This feeling culminated in an experience I had viewing a sloth bear ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sloth_bear ).
Now, I'm far from a zoologist, but when I happened to notice that this poor damned sloth bear was constantly spinning around in circles, with brief breaks involving forlorn looks, I couldn't help but first think that the animal was distressed. At the end of my zoo trip, I brought up this observation to some animal experts in the education center at the zoo. I stressed that I felt a bit funny expressing my concern because I have no zoology training, but my instinctual reaction to what I saw of the sloth bear was "something's wrong with that bear."
As it turns out, I wasn't that far off! Apparently the animal is new to the zoo, and in fact it's having some trouble adjusting. I don't remember the terminology used, but essentially the zoo keepers have needed to interfere with the bear's habitat what they told me was an unusual six times a day, implementing procedures (scenting, food placement, other tactics) to make the habitat more natural and to get the animal doing more natural things. They said that when the animal was acquired, it apparently had a history of spinning circles, so it wasn't something new. Long story short, the animal is a bit distressed, and I wasn't completely off base. However, they rightly pointed out that some animals naturally spin. Did you know that anteaters do this activity naturally? That's what the zookeepers told me anyway.
But all of this negativity was tempered with other experiences. I was soon reminded with many o' sign that the zoo was neck deep in a number of repopulation projects of endangered and nearly extinct species. A non-trivial number of the animals in the zoo were representive of a miniscule remaining worldwide population, and the zoo was quick to remind in their signs that it had made major contributions to repopulation efforts of such species. Combine this with the education I was receiving by being there, reading the signs, and learning about these animals and situations, and my level of disgust was reduced. An example: when I was young, I learned that the bootheel of Missouri was known to be a unique swampland. My eyes were opened at claims (via a swamp-based habitat I visited) that nearly 97 percent of Missouri's swampland has been eradicated by farming efforts. Holy. Shit. The knowledge I had kept with me about this topic since I was a child was radically altered. If true, it makes me care a whole lot more about efforts to restore swampland in SE Missouri.
(This already getting long-winded. Whatevs.)
Before I left the zoo, I made a point of stopping by the herpetarium. Note: I've had a nasty phobia of snakes since I was a teenager. Nasty as in many years of NIGHTMARES, scaring the living piss out of me. Bad mojo. But with many phobias, knowledge is power. With more knowledge, we can attempt to fight irrationality with rationality. Obviously the psychology of that process is significantly deeper, so I don't mean to trivialize scientific process of dealing with a phobia. Going in and seeing all of those snakes was a way to continue to replace fear with knowledge and understanding. Don't get me wrong: I wasn't making out with snakes or anything. We're not BFF, sending letters back and forth, etc. My heart raced. My skin crawled. I still had the instinct to fear and run away. But I stayed and looked. I read the plaques. I stood isolated from their slithering, striking ways. Rattlers. Vipers. South America. Thailand. I saw them all and cringed. But I did it willingly. Baby steps, I suppose.
In the name of wrapping this up, I'm going skip over some details. I left the zoo, biked to Delmar, and stopped at Cicero's. At first I stopped at Bread Co., and then I thought "no, I want a beer and maybe some atmosphere." I'm glad I did. While locking up my bike to a tree, several girls from Cicero's who just got off their shift invited me to sit at their table. The socialization was great. I went there expecting to be alone, but I'm happy some strangers invited me to sit at their table. Other people trickled in and out, and we discussed writing, journalism, beer, and finding a job you like, even if it doesn't pay well. Not sure we had a lot in common, but there was enough there to keep us chattering back and forth for several hours out on the patio, soaking up the sun.
All in all, it was a good day. I need more of that... the socialization, the thought-provoking excursions. I get too trapped in my head sometimes, and as safe as my head is... yeah. Anyways...
Besazos,
Shawn |
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| Misc. Me |
[Nov. 21st, 2011|08:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  busy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Diogenes Club - I Could Try to Explain | ] |
1. Discovered some new music lately that's been rocking my world:
* The Diogenes Club: http://www.youtube.com/user/thediogenesclub
* Ana Tijoux: http://anatijoux.com/en/#music
* Klangstein: http://www.myspace.com/klangstein
2. I've been geeking out to The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim since its release. It's very impressive.
Those who believe video games can't be art should play... or at least see this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQB4wkmKOv8
3. My freelance work has been keeping me mostly busy lately, thanks to one client in
particular. It always worries me to have too many eggs in one basket, but this particular
client is giving me a max of 32 hours of work a week. It's a weird state as if I were to lose
this client, I'd have a big gap to fill. But it's enough hours that I can't take on/hunt for
too many other projects at the same time. Hrmmm...
4. There's a girl geek in Spain that I miss immensely.
-Shawn |
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| And now a word from our sponsor... |
[Nov. 8th, 2011|11:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Carbon Based Lifeforms - Transmission/Intermission | ] |
I come here not knowing what I'm going to say beforehand. Funny, I've had so much on my mind, but I feel so accustomed... so "safe" just keeping my thoughts to myself, partially for fear of sounding like a whiny bitch but mostly because I'm simply a mess.
I've been sorta' mindfucked since I returned from Burning Man in September. As worthy the experience was, it certainly fried my circuitry a bit more than it should have. The result has been a state of avoiding people and avoiding dealing with the mental fallout. It's been easier to ignore it... do my own thing... live comfortable alone. That's what I'm mostly used to doing, and despite years of becoming a more social creature, great comfort is still found in solitude.
What does all of this have to do with Burning Man? I haven't given it much thought. It's taken me two months to realize that a small part of the issue is that BM forced upon me the ultimate of absurdity and frivolity. I can't stress enough just how absurd the experience was for me. Thousands of people clustered in a desert building crazy shit, doing crazy shit, and partying like it was a Martian pleasure colony.
This people overload and ultimate absurdity at BM, combined with the people overload of the summer in Spain, has done nothing but leave me both socially fried and questioning my own philosophy on life. The end result has been some self-analysis of my psyche combined with a questioning of where I now fall in the realm of absurdism, existentialism, and nihilism. This may sound like an overblown reaction, but I can honestly say that BM has left me a changed man, so much so that when combined with my own brooding about my life, it's all overwhelming.
That's not to say that all has been negative for me this summer. Sure, I had some great times teaching in Spain, and there's a girl over there I still miss terribly. But the short of it is that despite years of working on my mental baggage, I'm still far away from fixing myself. I'm not sure if the BM experience helped me or hindered me.
The reality is... I'm a mess. But sometimes messes can shine.
-Shawn |
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| Time to take it back underground, yo |
[Nov. 1st, 2011|04:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | busy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Proton Radio | ] |
I've about had my fill of Failbook. Although only a few of my friends are still here on LJ, I'm thinking about bringin' it back to the underground. Not that I'm overflowing with positivity, but I kinda' miss just pounding out words and not giving a shit if anyone reads them.
Oh, I'm sure I'll still keep my FB account and post to it on occasion, but I feel like blurting out my personal thoughts here for the time being. But you know me: wait five minutes and I'll probably change my mind again.
I have to get back to my work, but I'll post more thoughts later this week. Just had to get this off my mental checklist.
-Shawn |
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| I have nothing to say. |
[Mar. 23rd, 2011|10:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Mouthful - Themselves | ] |
But I'm saying that I've nothing to say because by saying something about my nothingness I'm defeating my nothingness with somethingness and therefore creating something to say. So what do you say? Do I keep saying that which I don't have to say in order to have something to say?
-Shawn |
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| On drive and purpose... |
[Feb. 10th, 2011|05:52 pm] |
Disparate events but similar topics... all spread out over several years. At the heart of them all is the notion of whether or not having strong drive or purpose is beneficial to the average human being.
Last week, I spoke to Chris R. about how I haven't played on a piano or keyboard in ages. "The drive just isn't there," I said. We talk about those who have drive. He says that really those that are so driven and focused on achieving often overlook the small things during their charge. I agree in theory but state that I feel like I fall too far on the other side: I simply can't by driven by much.
Last month, talking to Geoff while on a road trip, I mused that I find it strange that money doesn't motivate me more than it probably should. "After all," I said, " I love to travel and enjoy great food and drink. It takes money to experience all of those things." I'm still baffled today. If I want to experience those things, shouldn't that be enough motivation — a purpose, if you will — to actively find more freelance work and make more money? Instead I merely do enough to get by.
In early January, Cesca said something that wasn't directed at my, but still resonated: "Complaining is like being on a rocking chair. You keep moving forward and back, but get nowhere. So shut the f*** up and get out of the rut." Though not about me, I still couldn't help but apply the words to myself. I replied: "Easier said than done for many, Cesca. Whether it's a lifetime of indoctrination, habit, or circumstance, some people find it difficult to take the next steps." I think back on my decades of introspection and self-criticism and realize that even this note is no different from complaining. I always feel like I'm in some kind of rut with no way out. Maybe it's up in my head. Maybe a good therapist would help. But it all comes down to not having much drive or purpose in life.
In 2009, I was speaking with Sara, Caitie, and Roxanna in the car while driving back to Madrid from Lisbon. I haven't opened up to many people as I did that day. After talking about my life and feelings concerning lack of purpose and goals, the ladies decided that perhaps my purpose in life is to merely try out as many things as I can. You see, that's all I've ever done. It's what I know. I'm not an expert at anything, but I know a little about a lot of things, all from having tried them out. This posibility is the closest I've been able to come to an answer regarding how I should approach the concepts of drive and purpose in my life.
Today I watched a video about drive and purpose:
http://www.thersa.org/events/vision/animate/rsa-animate-drive
It talked about how tasks even remotely involving analysis and creativity are actually achieved with less success when offered greater monetary motivation. I raised my eyebrow at this finding a bit, but it was later explained this way: "pay people enough to take the issue of money off the table." The video goes on to say that performance gets even better when you include autonomy, mastery, and... wait for it... purpose.
Wow, if I don't feel left out at this point. Ok, I love my autonomy. I may be making shit for money, but I prefer working for myself rather than someone else. I have autonomy. It rocks. Yay!
But things begin to diverge quickly after that. Remember me talking about not being an expert at any one thing? That's related to my inability to stay interested with any one thing for long periods of time. (I failed to mention that earlier.) While I understand the concept of wanting to better the self, I feel like I'm a walking sham when it comes to this. If I wanted to become a master writer, wouldn't I have done more to get there by now? If I wanted to be a master pianist, wouldn't I have done more? The problem lies squarely in the realm of not having much drive or purpose. I don't feel any strong compulsion to master anything, primarily because I don't stay interested in any one thing long enough to have such a compulsion.
And purpose? I feel like I have no real purpose. I'm just here, on this ball of rock, trying to live, experience, and have fun doing it, whatever it may be. I realize that the things I do influence others. My actions and my words affect both the friends and strangers in my life. But I don't set off to do those things; they're just effects of my existence.
People say that one should live life with purpose. "Live like it's your last day alive!" others say. What does that mean in the scheme of things? Is the crux of my angst based primarily on my comparisons with other people in the world? I have the vague notion that if I were to let go — truly let go — of caring what others think and just live, this idea, this need for drive and purpose would vanish. If I'm kind to myself, I do realize that I've come a long way in letting go of what others think of me. I've dissolved many conflicts by just being me, and shrugging my shoulders when someone says I'm weird. But the walls are still there. And I still struggle to let go of the concept of "purpose" and just be happy — kind to myself — with living how I'm living. |
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| I don't think there's any going back to Small-Town America. |
[Sep. 25th, 2010|03:44 pm] |
A few days ago I popped on to OKCupid for my infrequent but normal two-minute browse. I haven't been too serious about dating anyone for several years now, so I severely neglect (and don't take too seriously) my OKCupid account. (There is one girl back in Spain that gives me butterflies in my stomach, but I'm not going to talk about that.) Sooooo anyyyyywaaayyysss... there's this feature on OKCupid that, if you subscribe, you receive in your e-mail three suggested matches based on the criteria you set. The last match I saw turned me off instantly; she proclaimed that Small-Town America is where her heart is at. I clicked the "Not Interested" button and carried on with my day. I didn't think much of the knee-jerk reaction to those words.
The next day I talked to my mother on the phone. Halfway through the conversation she made her regular "you could always move out here with me" comment. Now it's important to know that I have great love and respect for my mother. Aside from my mother, my mom's parents, and a few cousins on that side of the family, I have little to no love for any of my other blood family. So when I get the "move back home" comment, I usually ignore it. But I HAVE told her on at least one occasion that other than her, I have nothing of interest in Southwest Missouri.
Fast forward to today. I was shaving a little bit ago when I connected these two events together. Both work together, screaming out "I can not go back to Small-Town America!"
The negative ideas of what Small-Town America means to me have been fermenting in my brain for years now. Annoying gossip, conservatism, extremism, religious intolerance, racial intolerance, sexual intolerance... the list is mighty. And what should be the one saving grace of Small-Town America hardly seems to exist anymore: a tight-knit sense of community. There's evidence everywhere that suggests that even in the smallest of towns people are growing more and more distant from their neighbors.
It's possible that living in the massive city of Madrid, Spain nailed the coffin on Small-Town America for me. Take for instance the previously mentioned distance between neighbors. Perceptions are fallible, but I saw neighborly socialization almost every day in my barrio. Like clockwork at around 17:00 many neighbors would leave their apartment buildings to socialize with their neighbors and take a little sun at the same time. These social practices are evident throughout the Spanish culture, whether it's fiestas in the villages or demonstrations in the streets. While I fear that some of these social aspects are being driven out of Spain by modern capitalism, I think these social traditions still remain strong there. In America, many of these traditions have all be driven out, especially with our urban sprawl*.
So I don't think there's much going back. Maybe it's not fair to dismiss a potential date because she said she identifies with Small-Town American, but the odds are likely against me from the start. The one area of concern I DO have is the slowly eroding health of my mother. If it comes to the point where she can't take care of herself and she insists on staying where she is, I'll be faced with a sizable dilemma. Oof.
-Shawn
* (I'm still trying to formulate a theory that the major problem of the United States is its sheer size, and it will likely take a dissolution of the union for the most significant types of positive social reform to take place. But I have a lot more research to do.) |
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| Writing |
[May. 17th, 2010|09:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
So I just returned from having dinner with my friend ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2) vagroma (YAH!), and we ended the evening with her asking me if I was going to keep up with writing. She asked me about LJ, and I had to stop and think about it a bit. Why haven't I felt compelled to write so much here lately?
I told her that I think it stems from a few things. First, I used this space in the past to post poetry and other random writing streams. But I haven't written a poem in over a year. The words haven't been there. The inspiration hasn't been there. And the act seems a little hollow. I guess I don't have the same romantic view I used to have about poetry. It's so often a case of posturing or pretentiousness with words... the medium seems lost on me these days. Perhaps I'll come back to it, but poetry isn't in the cards for now. And considering that nearly 50 percent of my posts here were poems...
The other reason I mentioned to her is that I used to come here to vent these crazy mental storms that marched through my brain. I used LJ as a place to pour out all of the negative thoughts and things that worried me or had my head spinning. But you know what? Those storms have been few and far between since I lived in Spain. It's difficult to put a finger on it, but I'm more "meh" these days. This isn't "meh" in the form of detachment and not caring; it's more like "meh, it is what it is."
Yeah, I had that philosophy storm that I poured out at the end of March, but those torrents of thought, second-guessing, and negativity don't come around much these days. Now don't get me wrong... I still have my bouts of depression and uncertainty about what I'm doing with my life, but I know for certain that my time in Spain (and to a lesser degree my time doing freelance work here in STL) has lowered my stress levels significantly. That has helped immensely.
All this is to say that the original purpose of this LJ has mostly been lost. And like so many people (artists included), a lack of angst often leads to little to write about. Sure, I still write from time to time on my business blog, and of course I do a fair amount of writing for other clients, but I haven't had much to say about me lately. Well... maybe I've had a few things to say, but I haven't really wanted to talk about them much.
Anyway, LJ, you've been there for me since 2001. But a lot changes in ten years.
-Shawn |
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| "I'm not like other people." |
[Mar. 29th, 2010|05:10 pm] |
“I’m not like other people,” I told myself as I began my walk today.
But how true is that? Am I really all that different? Scientifically speaking, I’m just as much a human as anyone else. My genetic makeup is nearly identical to billions of other humans. From this cursory scientific glance, it would seem incredibly naïve to believe I’m so different.
But there’s more ways to view the world than the scientific. The philosophical viewpoint — though aged and often rife with folly — also provides a lens to view the world. But are both methods combined enough?
On associations
As I began my walk today, a singing Cardinal caught my attention. Its feathers were a brilliant red and its song melodious. Observing this bird caused me to again question the bulk of humanity’s standard of beauty.
“Why do I think this bird looks pretty? Why do I think that its song is beautiful?”
Spring is here. Fresh tree blossoms, tulips, and greenery abound. Humanity attaches significance to these items — ideals of rebirth, new opportunity, and beauty. Why? Why does the majority of the population perpetuate this ideal?
When did I begin to correlate fresh tree blossoms with vocabulary like “beautiful” and “calming?” Were these ideas implanted firmly in my brain through the observances of other peoples’ reactions to them? It led me to ponder further humanity’s perceptions of “sad, rainy days”, “menacing storms”, and “tranquil, cloudless afternoons.”
Are these associations pre-programmed or merely perpetuated? Of what utility is there to attempt to break free of these associations? Sunny weather be damned! I want to laugh and sing on a rainy day and not be sad. That’s easily within my power, yes? Perhaps not easily, but it’s within my power.
On humanity
Walking south along the busy two-lane road, my thoughts turned to the usefulness of shredding my associations to bits. I’ve been doing this for a while, but should the shredding continue? Do I lose more of my humanity by shredding these associations or do I gain more? Do I risk isolating myself further through such action?
As I questioned my associations, I pondered on the idea of being any more or less human. By thinking that beauty is merely a subjective, perpetuated construct or that a body’s belief that “beef tastes aweful” can be changed to “beef tastes great”, I believe that I’m stepping outside the box that holds most humans. I step farther away from the box when I believe that God is an unknown and our human tendency towards attachments may hurt us more than we know. Throw in a healthy dose of “we’re subjectively trapped and always alone”-type thinking and I feel a million miles away from any other human.
I realize such thinking is nothing new; humans have had such thoughts for ages. But does such common thought unite us rather than drive us away from each other? As I turned east away from the sun, my thoughts drifted to the basic human desire to fit in or find like-minded people.
I watched again last night Go Nagai’s animation “Devil Lady”, and I was reminded again that the theme of fitting in and being like others runs deeply through the anime. Jun Fudo, a woman struggling to keep her humanity while using her beast powers to protect those she loves, has a strong connection to Kazumi Takiura, who isn’t entirely aware of Jun’s secret life.
Late in the series, Kazumi awakens very similar beast powers and realizes that she’s “just like Jun.” Jun’s fear of showing her dark side to Kazumi (and their inherent “unlikeness”) was a primary source of tension. But when they both realized that they were the same, the deep human desire for likeness was fulfilled.
Such desire for “someone like us” plays out in countless human interactions every day. Is this drive another deeply implanted construct in our brain from birth? Recent scientific research seems to back up that idea. So when I override such a construct with lines of thought and belief that drive me further apart from others, am I only compounding my isolation?
On isolation
A woman in a bright yellow shirt, talking on a cell phone, walked by. I overheard her say “that’s why Tom and I are thinking of buying this new house…” as we briskly pass.
“What is home?” I ask myself. It’s not a new question; I’ve asked myself that for years. It was a philosophical question among many as I continued my walk, turning back towards the place where I live.
“Can we still remain human even when we detach ourselves from the common way of thinking?” I ask. And more questions…
“If I cut all of my associations and find that beauty has no inherent meaning other than the one I create, is life a little emptier?”
“What would it be like to be ‘in the moment’ 100 percent of the time?”
“Where does ‘love’ fit into my world view?”
“Is there any real use in asking any of these questions?”
And as I blatantly and intently thought about these things, losing touch with my surroundings, I felt my isolation grow. I realized just how subjectively we all live. I felt like the out-of-fashion philosopher trapped on a desert planet without anyone to relate to and hesitant doubts about whether the drive to relate to others was silly anyway. The “who needs ‘em anyway” train began to roll into town.
And then I stopped. I saw a thin sliver of white… a jet plane high in the expansive blue sky. Inside that plane were people, tucked away in their little flying tin can, in their own little world doing their own little thing in the vastness of the atmosphere. Maybe there was a diplomat on board. Or perhaps there was a Buddhist, a father, a widow, a secretary, a psychopath, or a hopeless romantic on that plane. The possibilities were endless.
And on that plane, each person had a story full of doubts and significances. I’d probably never hear their story, and they’d likely never hear mine. I felt sad with this realization. “Why should it make me sad?” I immediately asked myself. I didn’t have an answer.
As I approached the place that I currently call home, three men were standing in a neighboring front yard, chatting.
“How are you all?” I asked.
“Just out here enjoyin’ the weather!”
“It’s suppose to be nice all week I understand.”
“Well, they’re talking about rain Friday night and Saturday.”
I paused briefly, not thinking about what I was going to say. I spoke from habit instead.
“It means we should enjoy the week while we can.”
It’s not what I wanted to say though. Perhaps I didn’t know what I wanted to say, so I fell back on an old pre-programmed response. Or maybe I did know, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell the trio that a rainy day is only a rainy day and nothing more. They probably wouldn’t have understood anyway. All part of the isolation game.
“I’m not like other people.” I repeated the words, only half believing them as I opened the door to the house.
-Shawn |
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